Funniest Thing

June, 2020 Issue

This month’s winner is STAN C. KIMER of Raleigh, NC:

Several years ago, my brother-in-law and I took a one-week driving trip through southern Germany, Switzerland and northern Italy. One night was spent in Lugano, which is the Italian-speaking part of Switzerland.

We went into a restaurant for dinner, and the menu was in Italian and German. My brother-in-law could speak some Spanish, and I could speak some French, but our server could not understand either of those languages nor English. Since neither of us understood German nor Italian, we could not figure out anything on the menu.

We did find something in Italian, “lingua,” and figured it was some kind of linguini. We pointed to it on the menu and asked what it was, but the server shrugged her shoulders. We ordered it anyway.

About 20 minutes later, we each got a plate with a huge cow’s tongue and mashed potatoes smothered in gravy! We took a few small bites but couldn’t stomach it, so we promptly left, went down the street to an ice cream parlor and ordered huge ice cream sundaes for our dinner.


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


May, 2020 Issue

This month’s winner is MALCOLM GAISSERT of Arnold, California:

In 2006, my wife and I biked around the Alps for two weeks, after which she flew home to work and I, having been laid off years earlier, continued biking and visiting with friends for a couple more months, having a great time.

On my bike were two panniers heavy with all my personal items. Each night over those three months of biking around Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic, I had to lift the bike up into a friend’s house or within a hotel. Hoisting the bike became second nature to me.

When I finally flew home and had my wife all to myself, I wanted to give her a big kiss. She is 8 inches shorter than I, so I grabbed her under her ribs and lifted her up for a kiss…and almost put her head through the ceiling.


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


April, 2020 Issue

This month’s winner is BRAD BOYLE of Neotsu, Oregon:

My friend visited while I was living in Taiwan. He wanted a pizza, and a restaurant nearby would deliver. He did not speak Mandarin, so my roommate ordered for him.

Soon there was a knock at the door. My friend answered it. The delivery man handed him a bill, which my friend paid. The man turned and disappeared down the stairs.

My friend yelled after him, “Where’s my pizza?!”

I thanked him for paying the gas bill.


 

Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.

 


March, 2020 Issue

This month’s winner is DENNIS CLINE of Ingleside, Illinois:

Many years ago, soon after my wife and I were married, we set forth on our first trip outside the US. We went to Acapulco, Mexico, and on our first night there, we chose an “official-looking” cantina for some authentic local cuisine.

When our waiter came, I ordered a couple of beers for my wife and myself. Wishing to impress my new bride with my command of the local language, I requested, “Dos cabezos.”

The waiter looked startled, appearing confused by my order, so, using my hand, I pantomimed drinking with an invisible beer mug. He showed acknowledgement and soon brought our beers.

Later that night, remembering that the average grade for my Spanish-language college courses was only a “D,” I checked my Berlitz translator book and learned that what I had actually ordered were two heads (cabezas), not two beers (cervezas).


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


February, 2020 Issue

This month’s winner is LOREN PARKS of Chico, California:

My wife and I arrived at the Napo Wildlife Center on New Year’s Eve 2018. This lodge in the Ecuadorian Amazon jungle is so remote that the only access for people and supplies is paddle canoe.

Upon arrival, we were informed of a big party with a special banquet that evening, so with great anticipation we entered the dining area and took our seats along with about 60 other guests. The setting was spectacular, and the buffet tables were set up with a variety of exotic foods, including a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The servers poured wine and champagne without limits, and the general mood of the guests was exhilaration.

As dining came to an end, the dance music started, and the resort manager moved from table to table encouraging people to dance. The response was tepid. We were reluctant because we are in our 70s, had not danced in several years and simply could not identify with the music being played.

When the manager got to our table, I responded to his exhortations to dance by telling him that we old-timers could only dance to rock-and-roll from the 1950s. He said “OK” and moved on. We were relieved, thinking we were off the hook.

About 10 minutes later, a local merengue dance ended and on came the quintessential music of the 1950s: Chuck Berry singing “Johnny B. Goode.” The floor and rafters were shaking with the big bass sound and Berry’s guitar licks.

Immediately the manager appeared before us with a big grin on his face, saying nothing but communicating with his eyes. We were trapped. With great trepidation, my wife and I danced the old-fashioned swing, complete with twirls and twists and every trick we could remember and do. The other dancers cleared the floor for us, and even the kitchen staff came out to watch.

We never realized how long that song is. Exhausted and sucking air by the time the song finally ended, we practically collapsed into our chairs, receiving great applause and taking away a memory we will never forget.


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


January, 2020 Issue

While traveling in China this October, I decided to enjoy the buffet dinner at my hotel. At the dessert bar, there was a beautiful layer cake of red, light brown and dark brown. I asked the chef what kind it was.

She took out her phone and began furiously typing into Google Translate. After about a minute, she turned her phone to me so I could read the answer. 

The translation was “3 color cake.”


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged. This month’s winner is AMY GOLTZ of Dallas, Texas:


December, 2019 Issue

This month’s winner is KAREN WAGNER of Monarch Beach, California:

A few years ago, my husband, Gery, and I were traveling on a 2-week land tour around South Africa. As a special treat one day, our small group stopped at a lovely resort on the east coast near Port Elizabeth and was hosted for lunch in a private dining area.

The waitress presented us with beautifully printed special menus from which we could choose between two entrées to have with the salad and dessert. We all chose the sesame chicken entrée.

While ordering, I asked the waitress if we could choose between white or dark meat, and she said, “Of course you can!” My husband and I chose dark meat, while the others all chose white meat.

Chatting and admiring the beautiful view of the coastline, we finished our salads. The other folks were served their entrées first, and the sesame chicken was a luscious golden brown. When my husband’s and mine arrived, the chicken was charred a dark, dark brown, almost black. Think burned to a crisp!

I called the waitress over and asked if we could have our chicken more like the golden-brown chicken on the other plates. She looked surprised and said, “Well, you did order dark meat, and yours is dark, right?”

We agreed and ate the crispy, black chicken without further comment.


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


November, 2019 Issue

This month’s winner is ED DEATON of San Diego, California:

First, an explanation — “Brown Swiss” is a breed of milk cow.

In 1998, my friend Melanie and I were climbing and hiking in the Mont Blanc area of France, close to where France, Italy and Switzerland come together.

One day, we were descending from a hut across a wide, treeless area overlooking a large valley to beautiful meadows on the other side. There was a herd of cattle grazing on the grass, and I said, “Those are Brown Swiss cattle.”

Melanie said, “How can you tell their nationality?”


Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.


October, 2019 Issue

This month’s winner is NIEL THOMAS of Kamuela, Hawaii:

In Florence, Italy, in 2015, drawn repeatedly to Mercato Centrale, I had a question for the cheese merchant. I particularly like aged hard cheeses with crystallization, and I was deciding between a sheep-milk cheese of this type and a goat cheese.

“Please,” I asked in English, not willing to attempt it in my inadequate Italian, “can you tell me how these cheeses differ?”

Giving me the ‘dumb American tourist’ roll of the eyes, she feigned patience: “Well, sir, one is a sheep cheese and one is a goat cheese… and they are very different animals, you know.”


 

Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.

 


September, 2019 Issue

This month’s winner is GLADYS SHELDON of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin:

One of the most enjoyable trips I have taken recently was a tour with Road Scholar to the Lake District of England, in June 2018. A large part of my enjoyment was due to the presence of Anne, our driver/guide, who took our group all over the district in a small van.

Anne said that when she’s not on the job, she does a lot of hiking in the hills of the district. In fact, she mentioned that on a previous trip, she told the van occupants that she’d been bitten by Scottish midges on a recent hike.

One of those passengers later told her that he thought she said she’d been bitten by Scottish midgets. He’d spent the rest of the day trying to visualize how this would have happened.


 

Tell us about the funniest thing that happened to you while traveling in a foreign country. (ITN prints no info on destinations in the United States.) There are no restrictions on length. ITN staff will choose each month’s winner, who will receive a free one-year subscription to ITN. Include your full mailing address. Entries not chosen cannot be acknowledged.